What is heaven worth?

Warning, another lengthy blog mostly for journaling purposes.

I feel like a slacker lately.  I feel like I am not doing my part, not only feeling this way, but I know I am not doing it.  Last week we didn't got to our block meetings.  No reason other than my kids were still coughing and I wasn't feeling like fighting Kaebryn in sacrament meeting.  So what did we do, you ask?  We drove to Swan Valley for a square ice-cream cone.  Then we drove to Camp Little Lemhi to check it out.

This weekend we have been a bit lazy, we played late last night with some friends and slept in this morning...I am so glad Kb slept in too!  Today we skipped our regional Stake Conference.  Fighting Kaebryn in regular meetings is hard enough, but I knew I wasn't up for it today for two hours.  So, we dallied in the garden a bit, swept the porch, and cleaned out the outside toybox.  We went through some of the kid's toys too and are opting to give them a better home.  We meandered out to Troy's mom and dad's for a delicious turkey dinner made by Kayla and Peggy.  After dinner, we went for a family bike ride.  The grandkids are getting so big and I cannot believe they ride by themselves!  After the bike ride, we came back home, dropped the bikes off, and headed to Sears.  I know we are supposed to keep the Sabbath Day holy, but we justified it because we need a fridge and tonight only they were an extra 15% off, saving us another 240.  Then on top of that, we asked the missionaries to help us unload it.

Hmm....as I review the activities of today, I do with a heavy heart.  I know I have not been doing what I am asked to do.  I know that Heavenly Father is disappointed in my actions.  In my defense, I did attend a relief society planning meeting last Monday and I went to the Temple Friday with my little brother and my cousin. However,  I didn't feel like I usually do when I attend the temple.  I know that it is because I have not been up to par with what I should be doing.  I know there is much for me to do to make-up for my lack of enthusiasm.  I know I get to try harder.  I know I can make mistakes and repent.  I know that there is still hope.

I was chatting with someone this morning and telling her that we had plans to go to Sears and that we didn't go to church today.  I told her, light heartedly, that I had small chances of ending up in the Celestial Kingdom and justified it by saying that I would probably be uncomfortable there anyway.  I have been reviewing my comments all day and I am kinda saddened by them.  I know we are striving to be there...I know it is where I will want to be.  I don't know what phase I am going through right now.  I don't know why after having such a strong testimony my whole life I am struggling now.  I don't know why after 10 years of Troy being inactive I am falling now.  I don't know what is going on with me...I am changing in so many ways.  I feel like I am a stranger to myself sometimes.  I guess I am maybe becoming more reliant on Troy to lead the ways of our family.  I was strong for 10 years, and it was hard.  I feel like now that I have relied on him, I can breathe for a moment and let him carry the spiritual burdens.  He is definitely the stronger one of us right now.

There is no price on heaven.  There is no challenge we cannot overcome.  There is no guarantee in life that we will make it to the top, but only a promise that we can.  I know these things to be true.  I know that I can return to live with my Heavenly Father, and I also know that I have to be the one to want to.  I have to put forth the effort and live according to his plan.  So for now, I  might slack off for a bit, but I know that I will be able to grow stronger and stronger if I choose to.

I know my thoughts have been very random lately, but I have a lot going on in this head of mine and lately this is the only way I can sort things out.  It's a relief to get it out and to reread the thoughts and feelings.  I believe it to be quite therapeutic...although some may think I need to seek therapy !lol