Music and my spoken thoughts

As I was rocking Kaebryn in the squeaky chair for her nap, I listened to Pandora radio on the internet.  I rocked to Poison, Guns N Roses, Queen, and Bon Jovi.  Then a Johnny Cash song came on.  These are the lyrics.......

"You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John go do My will!"

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What's done in the dark will be brought to the light

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down"

I have been contemplating the world lately, and contemplating my own life changes.  I have been searching my past lessons and the ones I am currently learning now.  I have tried to be non-judgmental to those around me.  I have tried to teach my children right from wrong.  I have tried real hard to be a good example to those around me, and I have tried not to gossip.  

Ahh, gossip.  The words we say about those we know but often harming the ones we love.  It is hard sometimes to keep a still tongue.  If I have something I am dying to tell Troy, I usually start and then he says something like this, "Is this information going to change the way I feel about the person or is it relevant to me?"  That is a great way to look at what we say about others...is it relevant?  Is it going to hurt those around me?  I get caught up in others lives, and stories...it is hard sometimes not to share what we think the story is with others.

This world is falling apart.  What a mess we live in.  We have done this to ourselves.  Do we not remember 9-11?  Do we not remember the hurricanes and tornadoes ripping apart homes and families?  Why do we think we are unstoppable?  What do we need to do to get this world to hold strong?  The daughters of Zion are falling into temptation and families are suffering.

Troy told me today that Sisters in the Latter-Day Saint religion have the highest numbers of depression, and a very high number of Meth users.  This is a sad and scary statistic.  Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are supposed to be happy.  We are supposed to have it together and often we make sacrifices that effect us.  He asked me what I thought about the statistic.  This was my reply in a nutshell:

"As LDS members, we have callings that are often very time consuming and take us away from our homes on a regular basis.  We are expected...not from Church leaders, but those in our congregations...to have everything just so.  We have to raise children in troubled times, we have to have our homes together, we have to be the ones running the show, all the time.  Our husbands are usually working or going to school, for life it seems, and are often not around.  We have a higher number of children than those not in our religion and that makes a difference.  We often have our children close together, making it hard to manage things.  We are taught to cook, at home, balanced, nutritious meals.  We are expected by the world to have bodies that fit in the world.  If I were a pop-star, I would be  in all the tabloids with pictures declaring I have not lost all of the baby weight.  It is stressful trying to keep everything together all the time.  And why do we have to keep it together so much?  Because we do gossip and we do judge.  We harm those Sisters by doing so.  We are constantly judging.  Not only those around us, but we judge ourselves, too."  

This is not what our gospel teaches!  Our gospel is one of Jesus Christ.  It is His church.  Then why?  Why are we so quick to judge?  Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and make those around us suffer from our insecurities and our wrong-doings.  Why are we so quick to judge, but are offended and hurt when it happens to us?  

I like the words to this song.  I love the message it holds.  I believe God is trying everyday to get us to pull together.  Bad things are happening all over the earth and it is falling apart.  God is trying to "cut us down" and call us to repent and be true members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  He wants us to be happy, and we can.  But it starts with us.  It starts with holding our tongues the next time we have something juicy to say, or the next time someone comes to church in a dress that isn't what we think is up-to-par, we need to not judge.  People all around us are suffering from things we don't know about.  Sadness fills hearts of those struggling and not everyone is open to share what may be happening in their lives.  

I am so glad this song came on today.  I am so glad that the thoughts and feelings I had are to make me a better person.  I am grateful for this gospel of happiness.  I am thankful, though overwhelmed sometimes, for the callings in my life.  Although I complain a lot about Troy being in school all time, I am grateful he is bettering our family life.  The nights my children are sick or the days they drive me crazy, I thank Heavenly Father for the hugs and kisses I get throughout the day.  We are supposed to be a happy people.  We have much to be grateful for.  We need to pull together and make this a better place for our children and their children to grow old in.

A change of heart

The few days, or couple of weeks that I wanted to sell the house, several things went wrong.  The kitchen sink broke, the master bathroom sprung a leak, the sheet-rock in the garage started falling off, the fridge started to have problems, the kids got sick, and so on.  Troy told me it was because I wanted to sell the house and it wasn't supposed to happen.  One night, about a week ago, I had a chat with Heavenly Father.  I explained the reasons I wanted to sell, the logic, the fears, the necessity. I explained that I was tired of Troy's rigorous schedule and scared it was just going to get worse and that I would be left to take care of a yard and house by myself because he never had time to do anything.  I was slipping into a deep slump, maybe even starting depression.  I was exhausted of arguing with Troy about the sale of the house.  I was stressed out thinking how we were going to move into some thing smaller and try to do without.  I was tired of trying to balance and figure out where the money was going.  I was just a mess.  Plain and simple, a mess.

By the end of my prayer, a very quiet and insistent voice told me to trust Troy.  What!??  I have been the one to make most of the decisions.  I have always been the planner and organizer...the OCD one!  Now I have to surrender and trust someone else to make these decisions??  Preposterous!  However, once I decided to let it go, trust Troy and respect his wishes, things started to work out.  My slump started to become happiness, my kitchen sink ended up being a loose pipe, the toilet leak just needs a new ring and some stabilizers.  The kids were happier, and the very next day, we had two offers on our car!  The car we had been trying to sell for months.  It sold literally over night!  Things started to fall into place and everything has worked out since.  I am excited to stay here.  I am thrilled that I am not taking my kids away from their home.  I am excited the way things are falling together.  I am happy.  I am okay with trusting Troy.  He is, after all, a very wise man.  And, I love him for who he is.  He doesn't have to change.  He is perfect for me.

We may not be able to stay here forever...in fact I am pretty sure we will not be able to.  But for now, I will enjoy this place of comfort, love and rest.  I will accept that I was wrong.  I will take the help of our Heavenly Father.  I will get my house all fixed up, enjoy it for now, and then we can sell it when the time is right.  As far as work goes, I still have no leads on a job.  Tory is working this summer for his brother.  I had an offer to work at a camp, but Troy and I don't think it is right for now.  We will continue to budget and save and live within our means.  We still have our pick-up truck to sell, but other than that, we have unloaded a lot.  I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am grateful for the moments that humble us the most so we can recognize the blessings we do have.

Alive

I feel as though my kids have been unusually sick this year.  Thursday night Tevan was complaining of an earache...I thought it was just the wind from the walk we went on.  He didn't complain much after that.  We spent Friday pretty low-laying and then went to Pocatello for Jaden's birthday dinner at Sizzler.  We mad-dashed home and I went to the new Zac Efron movie, The Lucky One, with Becky, Kara, and Jana.  It was okay, but not a movie I would see more than once.  Later that night Tevan was really sad, and when I looked in his ear with our trusty ottoscope, his eardrum was bulged to the size of a pencil eraser. I was shocked to see it so infected.  Troy ran to Walgreens and picked up his meds, thanks to a late night call to my Dad!.  I was able to get some antibiotics in him and he finally got some sleep.  I am especially worried because this is the ear we had repaired last year and I really don't want the trauma of the surgery to have been in vain.

The same night, after we finally got Tevan settled, Kaebryn woke up screaming.  I could not see her eardrum, she had gunk in her ear, but the only way she would settle down was for me to rock and hum the Lullaby song.  Finally around 3 Saturday morning she fell asleep... she slept til 8.  Tevan woke up shortly after 4 a.m. throwing up.  The rest of the kids were up not too long after that.

Troy went to help a neighbor put up a fence and I went to get our Bountiful Basket, almost spacing it altogether.  Our neighbor, Jaimen, came to mow our lawn and then helped Troy sheetrock the garage ceiling.  I got the storage/laundry room cleaned and we babysat Jax, my nephew.  The kids had a great time playing in the water and dirt.  They played on the swing set and later we had a BBQ with the Hoopes family.  It was so nice to be with good friends eating good food in good weather!  I love that it is April and we have great weather.

I have developed a cold.  I don't like colds.  My nose is raw and my sinus pressure is out of control!  However, we are doing okay.  We are surviving and accomplishing much.  We stayed home from church Sunday to get better, and it was nice to relax.  Peggy, Adam, and Kaden came home from Florida and their luggage was behind them.  So we picked up their luggage and headed for a visit.  The kids always love when Grandma comes home from a trip because she returns baring gifts!  Kaebryn got an Ariel piggy bank and the boys got light-up-bubble-blowing-noise-making-guns.  They all loved them...thank you!

Monday.  Everyone loves Mondays.  I do.  It is a new week, a week to try harder.  Today I didn't try very hard.  We spent the day running errands and accomplishing very little.  We first went to the library to return two-days-past movies.  Then to the nursery to get some gardening stuff.  I picked up red potato starts and strawberries.  I got some potting soil and weed killer.  The kids saw the parrot and "talked" to him.  We then ran home for a second and off the Costa Vida where we enjoyed a salad...we had a coupon BOGO free, and it was only 6 bucks!  We went to the cabinet shop and chatted with the cabinet maker/ kitchen designer and then came home briefly.  We picked up Daeson and the Turpins from school, fueled up the van, ran the Turpins home, went to the flooring store and back home for a bit.  We decided to use our Pizza Hut GC and get dinner...A:Troy had to hurry to get to study group and B: I had been gone all day and didn't get dinner started in time.  After arriving at Pizza Hut and waiting ten minutes to be seated, we began to regret our decision.  It was 45 minutes before our food even came!  Troy was late, the kids were cranky and I was tired of walking the floor with Kaebryn...however, the food was mighty tasty!  Thanks for the GC, Mom and Dad, but I think next time we will to carry out!  LOL  After we got home tonight, the kids bathed and dressed for bed.  They watched a 20 minute show while I planted strawberry starts in my pots and then headed to bed.  I also planted tomato, zucchini, crookneck, peppers, butternut, acorn, and....something else I cannot remember right now.  I will give them a nice start before planting them, but the peas, beets, and radishes I have soaking, will go in the ground this week.  I am so excited to do a garden again.  Last year everything got neglected due to the new arrival, but this year I am hard-core!  I am so excited!  My neighbor, Brother Richie, helped me and taught me how to rotto till the ground and helped get the garden ready.  It was so sweet and nice of him and we are truly grateful.  

Cabinet shop, eh?  Yes.  We went to a cabinet shop.  We are not moving, as Troy talked me out of it...that's another story, but we decided to re-do the kitchen so that when we do sell in a couple years, the house will be nice. Right now my kitchen is falling apart.  Not one drawer works properly and the lazy-susans are completely breaking.  The paint is chipping and we need to do something!  Aside the downstairs bathroom, our house has been (or will be with the kitchen) completely remodeled.  We sold our car, another story, and are using that money...which means I am on a budget.  It is hard to have everything while on a budget!  I had to cut some things, but we will be able to add them later, I hope.

So for now, the kids are in bed.  It is late and I am tired.  I am looking at the pile of things on my desk...I should get it done.  I should get something worth while done today, besides gardening.  It is more fun than work anyway!  I have one batch of laundry left, and I think my desk can wait.  Atleast until tomorrow!

Turmoil

There are some deep feelings inside of me regarding my family situation. I have been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mom for the last seven years. I didn't always love it, and there were times I would have chosen work over being with my children. However, being sick while pregnant with Kaebryn and not being able to do anything made me appreciate my situation. I have loved being with my kids. I have grown to love the idea of staying home for the years to come.

I have always been a person of deep conviction. If I decide to do something, I am going to do it. I have always been sure of where my life was going. I always knew I was going to marry in the temple a return missionary and when I met Troy, I knew it was him. I knew when I got accepted into Rick's College (now BYU-I) that is where I was to be. I knew that when I decided to start my family, I would do just that. I knew when each of my children were "supposed" to come. I plan things out...I had Easter done in January! I am a planner by nature. I am a organized, almost to a negative point, person and like things to be just so.

One thing I was not planning on was going back to work. Troy is in school full time and as I have mentioned before, he has a rigorous schedule. We are faced with two options right now. We are faced with selling our home...the only home my children have ever known. The place I have lived longer than anywhere else my entire life. This is my home. This is where I am comfortable. This is where I can create, love, teach, comfort, and be myself. I love my home. The other option is for me to work full time, leaving my children here with a sitter this summer and then full tme daycare this fall. I have never left my children in daycare, and quite honestly, I am terrified. I ran a daycare and I loved the children I watched, but I also know that I could have done a better job and that I wasn't their mom. I don't want Kaebryn to take her first steps while someone else is tending her. I don't want to miss the first time my kids flip on the trampoline. I don't want to be gone when they are cuddled up together, loving each other. I just don't want to miss out on them growing up. This is so important to me.

Troy doesn't want to sell. Troy wants to ride things out a little bit and see where they go, but I am a planner. I cannot "ride things out". I need to know what to do now. I love my neighborhood and we know and are friends with most of the people here. I am just sick over this decision. It is one I don't feel like we should wait too long. I want Troy to get through with school and to do well while he is taking his classes. I don't want to attain a ton of student loans. I know I cannot have it all. I know that is not possible. However, I wish I held the answer in my hands. I wish I knew what to do. I decided last week we were putting our home on the market, but then the master bathroom started leaking. So, now we have to fix that. We need to finish the bathroom downstairs and finish trim in the boy's bedroom. We also need to paint the kitchen and get it looking better. It is the only room that has not been remodeled. So there are things we need to do, but by August I want to be able to put it on the market and see what happens. I guess when things are meant to be, they happen...but we have to put forth the effort to make it possible.

Happy Easter 2012

Easter was great this year! We had a warm, beautiful day and it was declared the best day ever by my boys! Daeson was the first one up...like always when he thinks there are gifts to open! We waited until Tevan woke up to open anything, but Daeson sneaked a peek before. The boys opened their baskets before Kaebryn woke up. The Easter Bunny left them some eggs to find, too. Troy made eggs in a basket for breakfast. Tevan's basket picture didn't turn out, but the other two did.

Daeson got a Beyblade, a jumprope, a yo-yo, a rabbit on a bike, and a ton of candy.
Tevan got a HOP basket with a ball/catch game, squirter, chalk, bunny on a bike, and candy.
Kaebryn got a ball, stuffed duck, and a rabbit on a bike and an M&M egg.
The family got a Skylander 3 pk and Hop.

After breakfast, baskets, and the egg hunt, we got ready for church. We had church from 1-4 pm. Troy taught Elder's Quorum and I ran home after sacrament meeting to roll out rolls. Kaebryn ended up pulling a tv tray on top of her, so I stayed home. We got ready to go to Grover's and rushed out forgetting Kaebryn's bottle, but taking rolls, ham, eggs for the hunt, bunny cakes and our kite.

We're home

Well, our week in Oregon was great! We had a wonderful time. The kids all were sick, but we made it through. I will post pics and details soon!

Daeson's eye dr visit

Sunday Tevan was whipping around a piece of paper and Daeson's eye got a paper cut. We told him to tough it out and that it would feel better soon. This morning at about 10 we got a phone call from Daeson saying his eye hurt and he needed to go to the Dr. So Troy grabbed him and went. He has an abrasion on his eyeball and has special eyedrops. He has to wear really nifty sunglasses, I'm glad he is a little boy and doesn't care what he looks like! They are quite "cool". But he should be better in a few days. We then have to take him in for a more thorough visit since his eye chart test came back 20/40! He's so young to have bad eyes! I think its from all the video games! Haha. Troy will disagree with me on that! But he is healing and he was happy he got out of school!