Turmoil

There are some deep feelings inside of me regarding my family situation. I have been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mom for the last seven years. I didn't always love it, and there were times I would have chosen work over being with my children. However, being sick while pregnant with Kaebryn and not being able to do anything made me appreciate my situation. I have loved being with my kids. I have grown to love the idea of staying home for the years to come.

I have always been a person of deep conviction. If I decide to do something, I am going to do it. I have always been sure of where my life was going. I always knew I was going to marry in the temple a return missionary and when I met Troy, I knew it was him. I knew when I got accepted into Rick's College (now BYU-I) that is where I was to be. I knew that when I decided to start my family, I would do just that. I knew when each of my children were "supposed" to come. I plan things out...I had Easter done in January! I am a planner by nature. I am a organized, almost to a negative point, person and like things to be just so.

One thing I was not planning on was going back to work. Troy is in school full time and as I have mentioned before, he has a rigorous schedule. We are faced with two options right now. We are faced with selling our home...the only home my children have ever known. The place I have lived longer than anywhere else my entire life. This is my home. This is where I am comfortable. This is where I can create, love, teach, comfort, and be myself. I love my home. The other option is for me to work full time, leaving my children here with a sitter this summer and then full tme daycare this fall. I have never left my children in daycare, and quite honestly, I am terrified. I ran a daycare and I loved the children I watched, but I also know that I could have done a better job and that I wasn't their mom. I don't want Kaebryn to take her first steps while someone else is tending her. I don't want to miss the first time my kids flip on the trampoline. I don't want to be gone when they are cuddled up together, loving each other. I just don't want to miss out on them growing up. This is so important to me.

Troy doesn't want to sell. Troy wants to ride things out a little bit and see where they go, but I am a planner. I cannot "ride things out". I need to know what to do now. I love my neighborhood and we know and are friends with most of the people here. I am just sick over this decision. It is one I don't feel like we should wait too long. I want Troy to get through with school and to do well while he is taking his classes. I don't want to attain a ton of student loans. I know I cannot have it all. I know that is not possible. However, I wish I held the answer in my hands. I wish I knew what to do. I decided last week we were putting our home on the market, but then the master bathroom started leaking. So, now we have to fix that. We need to finish the bathroom downstairs and finish trim in the boy's bedroom. We also need to paint the kitchen and get it looking better. It is the only room that has not been remodeled. So there are things we need to do, but by August I want to be able to put it on the market and see what happens. I guess when things are meant to be, they happen...but we have to put forth the effort to make it possible.