Sunday, September 7, 2008
Defeated
It is 11:55 a.m. and I am already home from church...IT STARTED AT 11!!! I have been sitting in a classroom for a half an hour with two very unruly children. I am defeated. I actually left sacrament meeting in tears today. I guess it all started this morning when Tevan sliced his fingers open on my paper cutter blades...then to be told that I need to start keeping my crap put up high. As if I didn't already feel like crap. Then we were 10 minutes late to sacrament meeting becasue of it. The only seat was in the front row. YUP, right smack dab in the middle. If you have ever been in an LDS chapel, you know that voices travel and it doesn't take much to hear every thing. As soon as the deacons sat down, we left the chapel and the tears fell. I really hate it...going Sunday after Sunday by myself. I hate not having any help. Every Sunday I go and battle this unbeatable battle. I am beginning to wonder if I should just stop going all together, but I know I have a stronger testimony than that. What kind of mother can't even handle her own children for an hour in church? If ut was just a few Sundays I was defeated, I probably wouldn't feel this way...but Sunday after Sunday I leave church feeling 10 times worse than before I went. I know it is not supposed tp be that way, but for me it is. I am also tired of everyone blaming Troy for not going. It is his choice to go or not. I am not his mother and I will respect what he does. He is my husband, he is my children's father and I will not stand for judgement made against him. I love Troy, he is a GOOD!!! man. He would do anything I asked, but I also love him enough not to pressure him into going. I tried that for six and a half years and it almost broke us apart. Does it make me sad that we don't share that same eternal goal?? Yes. It does...very sad. It makes me almost heart broken. It makes me ache every time our three year old asks me why daddy isn't going. I can't answer because in all actuality I am not sure why. I am not even sure he knows why. Enough said on that. I need to get back to the church to get my stuff out of the chapel. This might just be the adversary pulling me down, and today HE won. Maybe next week I will win, who knows. All I know is that today I am defeated and I feel like a failure.
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3 comments:
Oh Jandy! We feel for you! It looks like you are in a lose-lose situation. Don't give up. You will be blessed for trying to attend your meetings--as will your children. Maybe it's time to enlist some help from a young women in the ward to sit by you and the kids. Make it one of her 20 hour projects. You need help! Don't be afraid to ask for it.
Oh, Jandy, I am right on board with Kristy Lou's suggestion. I was thinking of some nice little old lady who maybe has a husband who doesn't attend himself or that maybe is a high councilman or someone, so she'd be happy and free to lend a hand. YW projects are great too. This is a TOUGH TOUGH age with kids in church, even if you HAD Troy with you. You are a strong and brave woman to carry on alone for this season. I'm pulling for you!!
It's not an unbeatable battle. I promise it gets a little easier when your kids get a little older. I won't say it ever gets easy, because I don't believe that myself. It's been so hard going to church with my girls while Adam's out working almost every Sunday, but I know that's where I'm supposed to be, so I try to go. I'm sorry you felt defeated, but don't ever give up. I really do understand how you feel - because I feel the same MANY, MANY Sundays myself. I know Adam and I and the girls are supposed to be an eternal family, and even though I have to go to church by myself most Sundays, I have faith (or trying to) that someday all will work out and Adam will be able to be with us (and want to be with us) at church. Sorry, I could go on and on and on, but don't give up. I look up to you for my inspiration when I don't feel like going to church myself.
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