new week

Yesterday we had fast and testimony meeting. I have been very uncomfortable in fast and testimony meeting since last July due to some things that happened at Girl's camp. My testimony has been very dim since then and I had no intention of bearing my testimony yesterday. There was five minutes left to the meeting and Daeson leaned over and started asking questions about his testimony. He asked if he could bare his testimony and if I would help him. I told him that I could not tell him what his testimony was and that it was something that he had to do for himself but he was welcome to bare it. Then he asked something that crushed me: Mom, do you have a testimony? Why don't you go share it? So, completely unprepared I made my way to the front of the chapel. I had not given a lot of thought to my testimony lately and I had some bitter feelings in my heart due to some things happening in our home. I decided, because my five yr old was watching me very closely, that I would keep it very basic and simple to set an example. I told him that I did believe in my Savior and I know that the scriptures are true. I shared with him that I am grateful for the gospel in my life. I found myself saying some other things that right now I cannot recall, but I also found myself really wondering what my testimony included. Because it has dimmed over the last few months, I wasn't sure what I believed. I have always had a strong testimony and I have never been afraid to share it. I could not understand the feelings I was feeling. They were not feelings of doubt...I do not doubt the gospel or the teachings within. I do however doubt my dedication to the gospel at certain times in my life. I grew up knowing the gospel was true. My parents did not force me to attend and they never were strict about it but they always went and set the example. My mom held FHE and I would often find my dad reading his scriptures. No matter what mistakes I made in my teenage yrs, I always came back to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I always have known it was true. So what are these unrecognizable feelings we have sometimes? Are they feelings of inadequacy? Are they feelings of being completely overwhelmed? Are they feelings that we have because we are supposed to be perfect and be examples to all those around us? And if we have such feelings, what do they mean? How do we overcome them? I am positive that each member of the church has had feelings such as these. I am sure at some point we all step back and analyze our lives and try to understand what we are supposed to be doing and how we are supposed to do everything we have been handed as saints. It is a huge responsibility to be a member of the church. It can be overwhelming. Meeting after meeting, being away from our families, fighting with children in Sacrament meeting and constantly shushing them...the stares of the older couples in the ward who claim their children were never like that. Sitting week after week, alone, having multiple callings because there are those members who actually say no because they have" done their part". Or those who are never asked for whatever reason. Do we have such feelings because we doubt the gospel? No, we have these feelings because we are human. Because we constantly doubt ourselves and our own abilities. The gospel of Jesus Christ has not changed. The priesthood in which so many hold should be honored and kept sacred. That is why we sit week after week alone in Sacrament meeting, fighting and shushing our children. That is why we are overwhelmed with callings and meetings...because we know the gospel is the only solid thing that we have in life. There are several who call themselves Latter-Day Saints who fall short, who even set a bad example for the church, but the gospel is solid. I guess that is what my testimony boils down to: I do believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Simple. I do all the extra stuff because I want to do what is right. I want to set an example, like my parents did for me, for my children. I want my kids to know that I have a testimony. I don't ever want Daeson to ask my again if I have a testimony. I should be happy to share it and I should let it burn bright. I should not let the doubts and fears get in the way of being a good latter day saint, no matter how inadequate I feel. I am so far from perfect and I have so many short comings that I cannot even list them all. But all I can do is try to be a better person...to start a new week every week and pray that I can be a better person, mother, wife, friend, and member of the church. Being a member of the greatest church in the world is not easy. It is time consuming and very task oriented...but it can bring such happiness and joy.

So for every week, I am going to set a new goal to bring me closer to a brighter testimony. This weeks goal: read my scriptures every day.

I know by taking tiny steps such as prayer, scripture study and attendance testimonies burn brighter and we take the baby steps to understanding the gospel. Line uppn line, precept on precept. Right?