Six weeks and five days

I cannot say the last 33 weeks have flown by: throwing up for 17 weeks, the flu for two weeks, and spring cleaning for two weeks for a total of 21 weeks of not being able to do anything other than that stated. However, I feel completely unprepared for this little girl coming soon. My cousin is lending me her crib...I was going to make do with a pack and play and twin size bed since I sold my crib years ago...so now I can not worry about that. She still has no door in her room and half her trim is still not up. I need to hang curtains and buy sheets. I need to wash clothes and blankets. I need to get prepared. I know, I know, I still have six weeks...but that six weeks includes three fieldtrips, six classroom helper days, three birthdays, 12 or so doctor appointments, and one week somewhere to relax and enjoy my kids. I know the next six weeks is going to fly by.

Troy asked me the other day if I was scared or nervous. Yes. I am. I remember how bad it hurts. I remember breathing through each contraction and each push. I remember the ring of fire. I remember the afterbirth pains. I remember the careful care of the 11 stitches. I remember the soreness of lactating. Oh, yes, I remember all of these things. Four years is not enough to forget. I am nervous that I won't be able to keep up on everything. I am nervous that I will go through my postpartum baby blues. I am afraid I will struggle with the lack of sleep. I worry about each of these things. I worry that my boys (including Troy) will feel left out. I worry that I will not be able to handle everything. Yes, I am both nervous and scared. They say you have nine months to prepare...I don't think any amount of time can prepare you for what goes on during birth. With Daeson I expected to die and didn't so I thought it wasn't so bad. With Tevan I thought, "I've done this once, I can do it again." With this one, I am seeing a new doctor and I have no idea how it will be. I have no idea if he will be anything like Dr. Crouch. I have no idea if I get pitocin and power through a four hour delivery. I really struggles with Tevan...I almost caved and got an epidural. I don't want an epidural. I want this to be as natural as my first two. I want to feel everything and experience it like it was meant to be experienced. I don't love the pain, but it is a cool kind of pain. I am just unprepared for that pain...again.

I am so excited to have this baby. I want to be ready for her. I want to have everything I need ahead of time...if you know me well, being prepared is one thing I can do. I don't like that I am not prepared. I am getting tired. The daily tasks of laundry, toilet cleaning, mopping and cooking are about all I can do to keep up. I have sharing time this month and I am too tired to focus and pull a decent lesson together. I know I am not the only woman in the world, or even locally to give birth or to feel this way and that is not the intent of my post. I just want something to look back on and remember why I stopped having children after three. I just want that proof that I was tired, that I was scared and that I did not feel worthy of raising such a sweet spirit. I hope everything goes well the next six weeks. I hope that I will be able to get prepared. I hope that I will be able to get some energy and step it up a notch! Six weeks and five days...sigh!